o5.27.12. sunday.

A few months ago, while talking to my bishop he said:

'Stop talking to Dax. Right now he has the best of both worlds. his friends & a beautiful girl talking to him & giving him attention, even if he doesn't respond to what you say. Stop talking to him. He needs to feel like he's lost something.'

Ever since then, I've tried really hard to cut off communication between the two of us, although it has been sooo hard. I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job. I can't help to think if he misses me though. . or thinks about me at all?

I still feel very day-by-day-ish, especially since I've been home from the cruise for a little over a week now. & without school, it's hard to find things to fill that void in my life. I went out to lunch with Mike Livingston yesterday. It was really good to catch up with him, after all, it has been about a year. Scott gets home next month, & I'm beyond stoked!! So that will be good. . .

I know I am stronger because of all this . . . Hell I have been put through. & Yes, it has been hell. But I know there is someone out there for me, that will fill this void in my heart & be able to repair all the hurt I have been through. I know that person is not Dax, & even if I wish things would work out between us, I'm coming to grips that they will not ever work out. A relationship & marriage takes two committed people, unfortunately I can not be the only one to hold that together.

Remember Shannon & Chad the wedding photographers? Well I went & picked up my wedding stuff the other day,  yes perfect timing, I know. . pft. Anyways, Shannon said she was shocked to hear my story & is all about healing hearts, so she wants to hook me up with someone she knows in her ward. He's like 25 & MATURE. Finished college, and has a decent job. I'm all for it. Hook this girl up Shannon. I need to get out & meet people & start dating. Even though my heart might not be fully ready, I think it will be good for me.

Enough about things right now. .

Goodnight & Loves. <3

o5.2o.12. sunday.

I just got home from the cruise early this morning/late last night. I can't wait to blog all about it. & share all my stories. It was amazing, to say the least. Unfortunately it's back to reality & I can't help but thinking about him. He was supposed to go on this cruise. We had this planned. But he decided not to get his passport, because he had checked out by August last year, when it was planned. It's all hard, still. six months since separation & I'm still struggling. I just want everything to be like it should be. How it was planned last January 2011. But tonight, what's really getting me. My best friend, who I've been close to since tenth grade. MY BEST FRIEND. She chose him over me. Most hurtful thing in the world right there. I'm finding new friends, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt inside. Such betrayal. I seriously wish I could just live on the cruise boat forever. Get my mind off of everything, forever. Move on. Start a new life, where no body knows my story, or what rumors they've heard, or what I've been through. That's just what I want. . . I want a fresh start. I want my mind erased of all these hurtful things and backstabbing people. Looks like it's me, my pillow, butter bear, & some tissues tonight.

Someone just make it okay..

o5.o9.12. wednesday.

& one day, this heart will be healed, right?

I feel okay when I'm out with others,
but then I come home. & I'm alone all over again.
& my heart hurts, all over again.
I get that pit in my stomach,
telling me it will never be the same.

something has got to give.
this has to get better, eventually. . .

plans today with my wonderful best friend Nate.
he's amazing. So grateful for him & for him always standing by me.
through everything--& never giving up on me.

City Creek & Cheesecake Factory.

Gettin' my mind off the ex & onto other things.
It will be good. . .

<3 loves.

ps. two weeks off work as of TODAY. celebrate. celebrate.