o9.29.12. saturday

I might have posted something about this a few months ago, but today I came across the song again. & I just adore it. It's seriously thee cutest song I've ever heard. & I just love the lyrics.
Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks. It's a must listen to. Seriously. In the song she sings:

I used to pray he'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

It just proves that we all have these tough trials that we all go through. Different things, every single one of us. Losing a parent, losing a baby, being lonely, being abused, being childless, etc. Those things make us the person we are today, we learn from those things. They become our beautiful heartbreaks. 'through all of the tears and sleepless nights. it became a beautiful heartbreak.'

My beautiful heartbreak would have to be being divorced. I'm accepting this, still hard. Many tears & many sleepless nights later. I know this is just a beautiful heartbreak. I have to think of the things that I'm so blessed with in my life. There are many things. I have an excellent job with a source of income & I'm going to school and gaining a better education for myself. I have a supportive family that would do anything for me & they love me very much. I have friends I know I can count on & they would be there for me any time of the day, without a shadow of a doubt. I've been blessed to be able to travel and see many different states and different countries. I've been blessed with big brother figures in my life, who would protect with me with everything they have. So blessed.

& I wish I could put out more inspirational blogs & have more inspirational words. But for now, this is all I've got. Please remember your blessings in which you've encountered throughout your life & those you continue to encounter.

Loves.

o9.25.12. tuesday.

Redecorating my room this week. Last weekend I purchased a new down comforter & duvet. I love it. With some cute throw pillows. I'm excited to get everything switched around in my room. I'm in need of shopping though, need some pictures to go up on my wall. Finally settling into this college life. Love my roommates. They're great. Amanda & I had a little Tiff about the Jazz & Lakers already though. HA! She will come around, after all. Lakers can cook cookies.

She will learn sooner than later, hopefully. ;) I changed my work schedule, well ish. I finally told Timothy that I was officially drowning & He explained that he thought school was more important than working at the pharmacy, even though they need my help, school is top priority. I'm thankful for him saying that. I dropped one day, every other week. & I really think that one day will help a lot. I just need to be motivated to be busy that one day & not lounge around. It'll be good.

My roommate Megan, found a blog the other day & shared it with me. I LOVE IT! Well. A certain post that is, the only real post I read. I should follow her & read more actually. Her words were amazing. THIS POST. Enjoy. She has a post in the opening paragraphs stating this:

"When you’re young; you don’t have to make smart decisions to make sound decisions. You’re still mapping the territory, so failure is the quickest route between idiocy and enlightenment."

I so believe & love how this is stated. It's so true. So you should, well. Take it for what it's worth.

Going to write a paper now on remembering my grade school years & experiences.

Loves.

o9.19.12. wednesday.

SO unbelievably true. seriously. . .

Loves.

o9.17.12. monday.

I am insensitive.
I have a tendency to pay more attention
to the things that I need.
I'm hard to love, hard to love, no I don't make it easy.
I am a short fuse.
I am a wrecking ball, crashing into your heart, like I do.
I wish that I could be more like YOU.



Really though. . .
Some things are unchangeable & some people
need to be taken off pedestal that they
do not deserve to be place upon any longer.
Although, this is hard for me to do.
Something once so cherished & now no longer.
Get out of my head.

Loves.

o9.1o.12. monday.

Longest work day of my life. . . seriously. Is today over with?
I got home at 10. . . PM. I left this morning for work at ten AM.
Plus class before work.. Ewe.

'one of these days you're gonna love me.
you'll sit down by yourself & think
about the time you turned from me. &
what good friends we might have been.
& then you're gonna sigh a little & maybe
even cry a little but, one of these days,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME.

One of these days, I'm gonna love me.
& Feel the joy of sweet release.
One of these days I'll rise above me,
& at last I'll find some peace.
Then I'm gonna smile a little, & maybe
even laugh a little, but one of these days,I'M GONNA LOVE ME.'


Loves.

o9.o7.12. friday.

This sickness thing I have, has got to go away. Went to the doctor today, he basically told me how I need to eat chicken. I said 'uh that won't be happening. I'm a vegetarian.' He said 'well just think of the chicken as morphine.' uh. Doctor? Are You high? Because morphine is actually nothing like Chicken. But thank you for your wisdom of . . .nothing. However, the doctor did tell me that I'm no longer contagious. So that's positive. Called in sick to work today, which as everyone knows, is something I never ever do. Cameron J went into work for me. He's great. I realllly appreciated that. I stayed home. Slept. Studied. Yeah. Pretty much didn't leave my bed.

The Aggies are playing the U right now in Logan. Oh how I wish I felt better & actually went. holy Crap. It would have been a good game. They're in overtime now. 20-20. Sheesh, seems like the U got a little too cocky before coming to Logan. & the Aggies decided to knock a little sense into their game & step it up. Way to go, Aggies!! & did I mention how freaking LOUD it is at the stadium. Yes I can hear every chant here at my apartment. Don't lose this one aggies, You've been ahead all game. come on now.

Tomorrow, work & then play date with my cousins. I'm pretty excited. All of our parents are on a cruise right now, lucky parents. So I though, what the heck, lets show the parents we don't need them to have fun. =) So that's exactly what we will be doing. Pizza, park, & pictures tomorrow night. & possibly a fun random stop at grandma&grandpa's house to surprise them! It will be fun. I need a night out with people that actually matter in my life. & just get away for a bit. Relax. I need some real time talkin' with them.

I feel pretty lonely ever since I moved up to Logan. Sure, I'm filling my days up & I hardly have any spare time but. . . It's just not the same. Everything. Yes I love rooming with Megan & Hanging out with Kerina. & school is definitely a time filler, as well as work. It's exhausting. But it's not what I want. It's not the time filler that I want. . .

Enough is enough, goodnight loves. We've got a big day tomorrow.

o9.o4.12 tuesday.

So many stories to post. But, I need to keep my blog readers on their toes. so. . . Here you go.

So I'm taking a Child Guidance/parenting course this semester. I'm actually pretty intimidated by the course itself, I think it'll be a little challenging. Maybe it's because the professor only teaches grad students & our class is his only undergrad class. Kind of intimidating, to say the least. Anyways. I've liked it so far. & The reading, even though it's a lot, has been interesting. & I haven't fallen completely asleep while reading, Ha. I actually get through it well.

So today in class, he had all 80 of us go out on the Quad outside. The quad is just a big area of grass in the middle of campus, people play ultimate frisbee out there, flag football, whatever. So We all went outside & lined up along where the cement meets the grass. So all 80 of us were in a big line, all at the same starting point. The professor then read questions & we had to move depending on the question & our answer towards the particular question.

Example: 'Take one step forward if you owned your own car in high school.' or 'take two steps back if you've ever witnessed domestic violence.' or 'take one step backwards if you grew up in a step family.'

Just some good old random questions, pertaining to school, life, family, stuff like that. Well everyone is taking steps back & forward looking around watching people take those different steps & seeing who has actually gone through the stuff he has mentioned. So I was doing pretty well, near the front & then the question was asked, 'Take one step back if you've ever been divorced or remarried.' I stood there for a minute looking down & then looking to my left & my right. No one moved. Everyone stood still. I picked up my foot & moved back one step.

As I took this step back, my heart was pounding. I knew others just saw me take that step back, & honestly it probably didn't phase them & they didn't think anything of it. But that one step backwards, meant a whole heck of a lot to me. My head began racing about everything I had been through. All of these other fellow classmates were taking steps back for having to take out a loan for school, or having an ill family member. & I'm the divorced one that just had to take a step back.

After 15-20 questions were asked we all looked around at all of our classmates, seeing where everyone was on his line that we once were all in the same spot & now we were scattered on the quad. some ahead of me & some behind. We went back inside & the professor asked what we gained from that activity. I kept quiet, as usual. But I enjoyed what others said. One girl commented saying 'It was like a disadvantage for us to have someone with a physical illness & I had to take a step back. But that illness is not a disadvantage in my life. I've learned a lot from that.' Another girl said a similar thing about taking a step back for having a step parent, she then said she wouldn't be in college if it wasn't for that step parent so she doesn't see it as a disadvantage in her life.

I sat & thought about Dax & I. About being classified as 'divorced.' Ah. that D word is such an ugly word. & I don't like that information getting out & I know it will just take time. Now, I'm not going to say that my divorce was an advantage, at all. Because it's nothing I would wish on anyone. I think there are life lessons I need to take from my divorce. This assignment really opened up my eyes to that. Now, I just need to figure out all of those life lessons that it taught me. Now, that's the truly hard part. Picking out the good, in a terrible situation.

Zumba tonight with Kerina. Love her. She's great.

Loves.

o9.o2.12. sunday.

This past week of school has been such a rush. Been busy with classes & driving & work. Trying to build relationships with my roommates. They've been great. Although, getting used to this new roommate situation has been really hard on me. I'm not used to living with three other girls. It's hard. Classes are going well, I like them. Most of them are in the same building, which makes it easy. Been hanging out with Kerina often. She's a doll. I love her. Her relationship makes me pretty jealous though. Through all the struggles, they definitely seem happy. I texted Megan the other day before my class started. The girls behind me had just gotten married & were saying how happy they were & everything & I texted Megan saying. 'I'm going to throw up all over these girls talking about how happy they are in their marriage.' I feel so bitter towards people who actually make their marriage work. It's ridiculous really, I should be happy for them. But I'm not. Hearing people tell me about their love story & how they met blah blah blah, no. I will probably just picture myself stabbing you with a pencil if you keep talking. seriously.

I'm a lot a bit bitter, don't you think? Yeahhh.

Enough for now. . =/ Loves.

o9.o1.12. saturday.

Well. I just wanted to write a post & inform everyone of the situation that happened last week & last Saturday. & How it's forever moved me.

Everyone knows how tight the Pearson Auto Mechanics are at the shop my dad owns. He has very few employees making those relationships they have even closer. James. Mark. Brady. - Main mechanics. Taylor & Rob work on the weekends. Well this Pearson Auto Family was forever changed. The night of August 20th, 2012, Brady was in a car accident, which took his life. Brady was the youngest mechanic at my dad's shop. He just recently graduated high school this year. He had worked there for a few years. Now, I knew Brady although I will not claim I knew him well. Because I didn't. I did however take pictures of him for my dad's upcoming Pearson Auto website that is in the making, a few days prior to the accident. When I heard of this accident, I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. The funeral was on Saturday, August 25th, 2012. Walking into the church & see the video playing of Brady growing up & all he has been through in his life. This young kid beat brain cancer at such a young age. He had overcome so many things. Walking into the room with the casket, it was opened. & He looked so good. He was wearing his work uniform, which he loved & was always seen in. This was such an honor to my dad. He has his work jacket on as well. Pearson Auto hat lay in the side of the casket. Along with a few things that had so much meaning to him. We were all passed green ribbons to wear on. Seeing James absolutely broke my heart. He was so heart broken. We then proceeded to the burial grounds. There were hundreds of people gathered there when we drove up. It was a beautiful ceremony. Full of laughs & tears. They had everyone get up & sign the casket at the end. Who ever wanted to sign it could.

My dad loved having Brady work there. Brady was like a son to my father. Brady & Taylor both are like sons to my dad. Sons that he never had. This whole thing made my mind run. I had work after the services & I was a mess. I was crying. I was swollen eyed. It was not pretty. It just made life seem so unfair. No one should have to bury someone so young. A child. Parents should never have to bury their children. His life had just begun, He had just graduated high school. Eighteen years old. He had not lived his life, he never had a family, children, grandchildren. It just doesn't seem fair. I got really bitter towards why things happen. It's so hard not being able to see the big picture of why things happen. It was good however, to talk to my parents. My dad even said 'there has to be a big picture.' He knows there has to be a bigger picture than what is just here on Earth. & That was a lot to hear him say. Seeing that he doesn't believe in a higher power very often, if at all. It just doesn't seem very fair. Why do these things happen. Why does Heavenly Father take someone so young & so precious? Life lessons? To teach people & have people ask questions? I'm unsure about why things like this happen. He's so young. I just can't stop thinking about how young he really is. Eighteen. Four years younger than I am. Two years younger than my sister. I can't imagine that the parents are going through. Brad (Brady's dad) did give me a rose off the casket when I was leaving. I have it to Taylor along with my green ribbon. It will mean more to him. When getting in a car, please be careful everyone. One accident can change the lives of many people, forever. This whole situation is so tragic & sad. I have thought so much about life & how final life can be when someone passes on. It's not like 'I will see you tomorrow.' No, there won't be another tomorrow. Cherish & let those you love know that they are loved. Cherish those relationships/friendships. When talking to my mom about all of this, I told her this:

"It's like we all have invisible ticking clocks above our heads, counting down our days here on this Earth. No one can see them, but they're there. Above everyone's head."

We are in the process of putting up some things at the shop to represent Brady. There will always be the 'Brady Baugh Bay', which will include a shadow box. Picture to come when projects are finished. Spend time with those who you love. & Let them know they mean something to you before time runs out. Brady will surely be missed & will forever be in the hearts of those he had the chance of coming in contact with while he was here for his short time on Earth.

RIP Brady James Baugh