o5.27.12. sunday.

A few months ago, while talking to my bishop he said:

'Stop talking to Dax. Right now he has the best of both worlds. his friends & a beautiful girl talking to him & giving him attention, even if he doesn't respond to what you say. Stop talking to him. He needs to feel like he's lost something.'

Ever since then, I've tried really hard to cut off communication between the two of us, although it has been sooo hard. I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job. I can't help to think if he misses me though. . or thinks about me at all?

I still feel very day-by-day-ish, especially since I've been home from the cruise for a little over a week now. & without school, it's hard to find things to fill that void in my life. I went out to lunch with Mike Livingston yesterday. It was really good to catch up with him, after all, it has been about a year. Scott gets home next month, & I'm beyond stoked!! So that will be good. . .

I know I am stronger because of all this . . . Hell I have been put through. & Yes, it has been hell. But I know there is someone out there for me, that will fill this void in my heart & be able to repair all the hurt I have been through. I know that person is not Dax, & even if I wish things would work out between us, I'm coming to grips that they will not ever work out. A relationship & marriage takes two committed people, unfortunately I can not be the only one to hold that together.

Remember Shannon & Chad the wedding photographers? Well I went & picked up my wedding stuff the other day,  yes perfect timing, I know. . pft. Anyways, Shannon said she was shocked to hear my story & is all about healing hearts, so she wants to hook me up with someone she knows in her ward. He's like 25 & MATURE. Finished college, and has a decent job. I'm all for it. Hook this girl up Shannon. I need to get out & meet people & start dating. Even though my heart might not be fully ready, I think it will be good for me.

Enough about things right now. .

Goodnight & Loves. <3

o5.2o.12. sunday.

I just got home from the cruise early this morning/late last night. I can't wait to blog all about it. & share all my stories. It was amazing, to say the least. Unfortunately it's back to reality & I can't help but thinking about him. He was supposed to go on this cruise. We had this planned. But he decided not to get his passport, because he had checked out by August last year, when it was planned. It's all hard, still. six months since separation & I'm still struggling. I just want everything to be like it should be. How it was planned last January 2011. But tonight, what's really getting me. My best friend, who I've been close to since tenth grade. MY BEST FRIEND. She chose him over me. Most hurtful thing in the world right there. I'm finding new friends, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt inside. Such betrayal. I seriously wish I could just live on the cruise boat forever. Get my mind off of everything, forever. Move on. Start a new life, where no body knows my story, or what rumors they've heard, or what I've been through. That's just what I want. . . I want a fresh start. I want my mind erased of all these hurtful things and backstabbing people. Looks like it's me, my pillow, butter bear, & some tissues tonight.

Someone just make it okay..

o5.o9.12. wednesday.

& one day, this heart will be healed, right?

I feel okay when I'm out with others,
but then I come home. & I'm alone all over again.
& my heart hurts, all over again.
I get that pit in my stomach,
telling me it will never be the same.

something has got to give.
this has to get better, eventually. . .

plans today with my wonderful best friend Nate.
he's amazing. So grateful for him & for him always standing by me.
through everything--& never giving up on me.

City Creek & Cheesecake Factory.

Gettin' my mind off the ex & onto other things.
It will be good. . .

<3 loves.

ps. two weeks off work as of TODAY. celebrate. celebrate.

o4.3o.12. monday

support your local auto mechanic shop.

Pearson Auto

^^^ click the link above
& 'like' the Facebook page. =)

Thanks friends. Love you all.

o4.23.12 monday.

just would like to rant for a minute about some bothersome things:
*If you don't like rants, don't read. . . & These are MY opinions.

1. I don't understand why people get married, when neither party has a stable REAL job. Like seriously? where do you plan on living and how do you plan on supporting each other?! your parents support you now! Hello reality check. sheesh. Let's get real grown up jobs and pay for our own things before we go and get married.

2. Parents that force marriage on their children. uhm. your child just graduated & just turned 18! Let them be a freaking 18 year old! Stop shoving marriage down your child's throat. They've only known the boy for two months, they do not need to start planning a wedding. Maybe they should actually go to college and get an education and or real job. I know we have to start somewhere but does anyone REALLY know what they want when they're 18?! doubtful.

3. People who have babies & can't support them on their own. In return, they move back in with their parents. They work at minimum paying jobs and have to have their family support them. And not only do they have one child, but they have multiple. You're only hurting that child, you do not have the means to have that child or support them and the things they need. Stop being selfish & get on birth control.

4. Now I know everyone thinks their child is just the cutest thing ever. & they post pictures of their child doing whatever their child does, on Facebook. okay. Yes some of my friends have babies that are absolutely adorable! and then some of my friends I'm like 'wow...' & I know you can't help what your baby looks like but. . . hmm. Let's just say people with attractive kids should be able to post pictures & those with less attractive children should be denied picture posting. . . yes it's rude. I know.

on a more positive note: KUDOS to my friends who DO have the means to have babies and support them fully on their own. I'm impressed. Also, Kudos to those who DID get married young & their marriage has lasted and they are happy & financially stable. I'm jealous of you & proud of you. This wasn't meant to offend anyone. Just getting some things off my mind, things that drive me freaking crazy that is. And for those young people who say 'I'm going to prove everyone wrong & my marriage will last' yeahhh. I was one of those who said that as well. & look where I am now. Part of one of those many divorce statistics.

Seriously people. . . seriously.

regardless of everything, I love you all.

o4.18.12. wednesday

the big D word is finalized. . . scary. i know.

& I'm a bit caught off guard at how fast things went through
& I'm a bit . . uneasy still? yes. uneasy.

But i'm making progress.
I haven't cried in a week. so that's good. . .
I changed my facebook relationship status to single
& posted a status update.
basically just appreciating those for the love & support
and discouraging any ill speaking or gossip between either party,
being dax or me.

texted my mom a while later & told her what it said.
then i said

"what an amazing and well spoken daughter you've raised.
too bad Dax doesn't do things like that to protect me
like i protect him. it's sad really."

While I know she's asleep, I know she will agree in the morning.
Wish he protected me like I make sure he is protected from others.

This life is a crazy roller coaster. . . and I thought my ride was coming to a halt.
fortunately or unfortunately, that did not happen.
Hold on pretty girl, the ride is just beginning.

o4.15.12. monday.

"gettin' along without you baby,
i'm better off without you baby.
how does it feel without me baby,
i'm getting stronger without you baby."

at least that's what i keep telling myself,
yet it doesn't seem any better.

wish things were different. . wish things were different. .

sara evans - stronger.

love her. love the song. love the words. love everything about it.
wish i could just be strong like her now. . .

i feel like it's been forever, i don't understand either.